A Jewish Mourning Guide for Families: Shiva, Sheloshim, and Yahrzeit (Explained Gently)
When someone dies, many families feel two urgent needs at once: to honor the person properly, and to survive the shock of loss. Jewish tradition offers a compassionate structure for both—rituals that hold grief with dignity, community, and meaning.
At Morse-Bayliss Funeral Home, a Jewish funeral home serving Lowell and the Merrimack Valley, we’re often asked: “Can you explain Jewish mourning in a way that’s clear—and not overwhelming?” This guide is our answer. (And if your family practices differently, that’s okay. Many customs vary by community and level of observance.)
What Jewish Mourning Tries to Do
Jewish mourning practices are not meant to rush grief away. They create time and space to grieve—then, gradually, help mourners re-enter life with support. Many families find comfort in how the tradition recognizes that grief changes over time: intense at first, then reshaping itself in the months and years ahead.
Key takeaways
- Shiva is the first week of mourning, typically centered at home with community support.
- Sheloshim covers the first 30 days, easing mourners back into routine with continued limits on celebration.
- Yahrzeit is the annual remembrance, often marked by a candle, synagogue prayers, and charity.
- Practical help—meals, rides, presence—matters as much as the “right words.”
Image Suggestion: A yahrzeit candle on a table with a small stone and a simple condolence card—warm light, calm tone.
Alt Text: Yahrzeit candle beside a stone and condolence card in a quiet room.
Shiva: The First Week of Mourning (What to Expect)
Shiva is a mourning period that generally lasts seven days, beginning when mourners return home from the funeral. Traditionally, mourners stay home (or at a mourner’s home), receive visitors, and focus on grief and memory. My Jewish Learning provides an approachable overview of shiva and common customs like k’riah (a tear in clothing or a ribbon). MyJewishLearning: Shiva.
Who “sits shiva”?
Typically: spouse, parent, child, and sibling of the person who died. In practice, many families include other close relatives in the home and routines.
What visitors often ask: “What should I say?”
You don’t need perfect words. In many Jewish communities, a simple presence is the gift. Visitors often wait for the mourner to speak first, and it can be appropriate to say something like: “I’m so sorry,” “I’m here,” or “I’m remembering them.”
What is actually helpful to bring or do
- A meal or grocery delivery (coordinated so it doesn’t overwhelm the household)
- Help with dishes, trash, childcare, or rides
- Offering to make phone calls or handle small errands
- Sharing a story about the person—if the mourner wants to hear it
Image Suggestion: A quiet living room set for shiva—simple chairs, a small memorial photo, and soft lamplight (no visible faces).
Alt Text: Living room prepared for shiva with chairs and a memorial photo.
Sheloshim: The First 30 Days (Grief with a Gentler Pace)
After shiva, sheloshim continues until the 30th day after the funeral. It’s often described as a less intensive period of mourning—still tender, but with more daily life returning. MyJewishLearning: Sheloshim.
For many families, sheloshim is when the “long middle” begins: support quiets down, but grief is still very present. If you’re in this stage, our Aftercare program is designed to stay with you beyond the service—because grief doesn’t end when the gathering does.
What mourners often need during sheloshim
- Friends who keep checking in (not just the first week)
- Permission to say “no” to social events that feel too hard
- Support around sleep, appetite, and stress
- Someone to talk to who won’t rush them
If grief is showing up physically—fatigue, tension, headaches, stomach changes—this is common.